Religious Right Furious Pope Francis Wants Them To Follow The Bible

 Religious Right Furious Pope Francis Wants Them To Follow The Bible

Written by: Sarah Wood

Many on the religious right are livid that Pope Francis would have the audacity to want people to live up to the actual teachings of the Bible which fully negates their agenda of sweeping the poor under the rug and rewarding the already obscenely wealthy.

“How dare he say trickle-down economics doesn’t work!” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX). “The beloved Ronald Reagan, who was far more religious than any Pope said if we keep giving the wealthy more money, everyone will have more money. We just need to wait a little bit longer to see it work!”

Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), devout Catholic, said of the Pontiff, “He is obviously reading from the wrong part of the book. Wealth and greed are beautiful Biblical concepts that go back even further than Jesus.”

“I just don’t diddly understand why therefore and more what this here supposed religious leader-type thingy thinks he’s up to,” said Sarah Palin.

Many in the religious right are denouncing the anti-capitalist remarks of Pope Francis. They don’t want any sort of actual religious facts and teachings to derail their attempt at creating a feudal society.

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Why Conservative Comedy Does Not Work 

Ward Anderson

SiriusXM Talk Radio Host, Author, Comedian

The other day, in a typical "Right versus Left" argument, someone made a comment that stuck in my head. He said that there is almost no voice given to Conservative comedians and that comedians of today do not poke fun at liberals the way they do conservative politicians. The commenter made this point by stating that David Letterman is too soft on Obama compared to how he was with Bush.

I won't spend much time pointing out the fact that David Letterman is not a journalist or even member of the media. He is, of course, a comedian and talk show host. Since his talk show bears his own name and represents his own opinions, he can support any politician he likes. He doesn't owe anyone an unbiased platform any more than Rush Limbaugh owed Bill Clinton fairness when he hosted his own TV show in the 90s. Letterman doesn't pretend to be a journalist when he isn't one. That's Sean Hannity's schtick.

Still, there is a point which still stands: There really is less Conservative comedy out there and fewer jokes at the expense of Liberals than Conservatives. I won't disagree with this comment, but the people who complain about it as if it is some sort of grand conspiracy against Conservative humor in America kind of miss the point. Comedy is never about equality or representing both sides of the story. For comedy to really work, it usually comes from a particular source: The Underdog.

The Underdog is that comic who is a misfit. He's overweight or insecure. He's the dorky guy who talks about how he was always picked last in dodge ball. It's also the awkward woman who can't get a date or is afraid of living her life with only her cats. We cheer for The Underdog.

For this kind of comedy to work politically, The Underdog has to take the side of the less successful. Conservatives will always have a hard time with this approach because, frankly, it's hard to be The Underdog when you are the status quo. In fact, comedy has never succeeded when defending the status quo. It tends to succeed when it takes the voice of those on the fringes. When comedy is political, it works best as a reminder of things that are not fair. To be better off than most people in the world and then complain about unfairness simply reeks of phoniness.

The phrase "only the truth is funny" was coined for a reason. When Conservatives try to play The Underdog, it simply comes off as false. Complaining that you have to pay taxes and you think poor people are lazy is hardly knee-slapping material. It's like a rich guy standing onstage and thinking it's funny how he can only afford the BMW and not The Mercedes. How do you take the position that it sucks to be you when it clearly does not suck to be you? Stand onstage and crack wise about how much it sucks to be an over-taxed white guy in North America today, and not a single person in that audience will believe you, let alone find it humorous. The alternative is far worse, so climb down off the cross.
Another theme in Conservative comedy today is that things suck and used to be better. The problem is that no one really believes that, and there's not enough truth in that statement to make it funny. It's why everyone rolls their eyes at those who whine about "The War on Christmas". If the airwaves were dominated with Hanukkah songs for six straight weeks every year, that complaint might gather more traction than it does.

"People on welfare sure are lazy, am I right?" is hardly going to endear a comedian to the people in the crowd. In fact, the entire reason Stephen Colbert is successful is because his comedy is a complete satire of this kind of attitude. It comes off as absurd because the mentality it is based on is absurd. This is just more proof that making fun of the status quo is far funnier than complaining about being the status quo.

Simply put, it's funnier to laugh at those who Have than those who Have Not. If it surprises anyone that there is not more Right-Wing humour out there, ask yourself this simple question: When have you ever gone to a movie and rooted for the popular jock to beat the unpopular nerd?

And therein lies the problem with so many Conservatives these days: They are so certain that they are the nerds, they've missed the fact that they're actually the jocks. Feeling like things aren't as great at the top of the world as they used to be doesn't change the fact that you still have the best view. Being forced to share the walkway with everyone else is not the same thing as actually being tread upon.
So don't be surprised when everyone else doesn't find it funny when the prom king gives the scrawny kid a wedgie. And keep in mind that Ebeneezer Scrooge wasn't very funny.

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The Republican Alphabet

Author: Justin "Filthy Liberal Scum" Rosario April 27, 2013 11:55 am

 

Most people don’t know this, but in addition to a remedial civics class, Michelle Bachmann also taught a remedial English course. She started with the basics:
A is for Anti-Christ. See B & O.
B is for Barack – Isn’t that an “exotic” name for a President? George, Ronald and Sarah are far more American sounding.
C is for Christ, who informs all of my decisions, including the ones where I discriminate against the poor and sick. Just like He would!
D is for Death panels and they’re coming to unplug Grandma!
E is for Electoral Campaign Finance Reform. AHAHAHAHAAHH! Just kidding! The letter E is brought to you by, well, Citizens United says I don’t really have to tell you that anymore, do I?
F is for Fascism!!! BE READY TO VIOLENTLY FIGHT THE FASCIST LIBERAL GOVERNMENT AT ANY TIME!!! Nothing bad ever happens when you live your life by this doctrine. If it does, it’s an isolated incident (see I).
G is for God, Guns & Guts. Everything a population needs to run a country wisely.

H is for Health care reform. Get the guns! They’re coming to kill Grandma again!
I(1) is for Immigration. “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” and I will do everything in my power to disenfranchise and demonize them as a way to maintain the White (not white, White, how many times do I have to clarify that?) hegemony.
I(2) is for Isolated Incident. These unfortunate events that only appear to have been instigated by violent rhetoric are totally unrelated to any other letter in this list (See A,B,D,F,G,H,L,N,O,P,U,X).  Unless the offender is a liberal, then it’s MSNBC’s fault.
J is for Jesus. I can never have too much of him in my life and I want to make sure he’s part of YOURS too, whether you like it or not.
K is for Kansas and Kentucky where evolution is a four letter word. No, seriously, our education system is so bad we can’t spell but wee no wi ain’t relaytuhd 2 no munkey!
L is for Liberal. Liberals hate you and everything about you. They’re plotting to take over the country by force. They also happen to be total wimps and weaklings who hate guns. How are wimps and weaklings without guns going to take over the country? Please see Q.
M is for Marriage between a man and a woman ONLY. Even if it’s Brittany Spears’ 55 hour marriage, it’s still sacred, dammit!
N(1) is for Nazi. Nazis want to destroy America. Anyone who disagrees with you is one of these.
N(2) is for Nig…well I won’t say THAT word about those people or the liberal thought police will come for me but I think you know what I mean (wink wink).
O is for Obama. See N(1) and N(2).
P is for President 1.The highest office of the land. The most powerful man in the world (for now…Palin in 2016!), deserving of our respect and admiration and love and full support during a time of war 2. A secret Muslim foreigner terrorist sympathizer that is out to kill you and all you hold dear. It depends on who we are talking about. See O.
Q is for questions. Never ask any. Ever. About anything.
R is for Ronald Reagan. Ronnie represented a righteous religious revival and rapacious right-wing Republican revolution that ruined Russia. It doesn’t matter that, by the time he left office, he was unable to repeat or understand the previous sentence.
S(1) is for Sarah Palin. Sister Sarah symbolizes strength, serenity, sweetness and street smarts. She supports several serious stances on society’s struggles. Which ones? All potential interviewers please see Q.
S(2) is for Science, which is Satan’s tool. Again, please see Q.
T is for Tea Party. The Tea Party tactlessly trampled through a thicket of town halls by throwing tenacious televised tantrums about terrible tax increases that never happened. “Alliteration? That one of them fancy college words for taking away my Medicare?”
U is for Us vs. Them.
V is for Voting. Voting is a God given right that we would NEVER think of interfering with by forcing people to pay ofr ID they can’t afford, gerrymandering Congressional districts, underfunding voting machines in low income areas, mailing fliers to African Americans with false information, using robo-call centers to convince Hispanics to not vote in protest or anything else you can think of. If you do think of anything else, whatever you do, please don’t suggest it your local GOP campaign headquarters. (1-800-drty-trk)
W is for Wealth redistribution. What goes up must never come down. That would be class warfare!
X is for Xenophobia (courtesy of Chuck Hutchings). “HELLO? WHICH. WAY. TO. THE. BATHROOM? EL BANO? DO. YOU. SPEAK. AMERICAN? Good lord, I hate Canada!”
Y Is for Yesterday when things were so much better than they are today. Women and Negroes knew their place and pinko commie liberals were blacklisted. Don’t you wish we could go back to those good ol’ days? So do we and we’re trying as hard as we can!
Z is for Zero accountability (courtesy of Dave Mann). Words are completely powerless. If words had ANY kind of power at all, our Founding Fathers would have used them to declare our independence or elevated them to first among our rights. So stop blaming every death threat, attempted assassination, anti-government militia and shooting spree on us. It was an isolated incident. They all isolated incidents! See I(2)
Come join me on Facebook, my home blog or just follow me on Twitter @FilthyLbrlScum

 

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You Might Be A Fascist If…

Author: Stephen D. Foster Jr. May 7, 2013 12:01 am

 

Are you a fascist? Many people are fascists and they don’t even realize it. And sometimes, they know it all too well, but hide and deny it. Most of the time though, it’s obvious who the fascists are. For instance, you might be a fascist if…

1. You are obsessed with national power and pride and believe your country doesn’t have to follow the rules and shouldn’t ever apologize for doing things that are wrong. You think your nation can do whatever it wants.
2. You believe in the rule of the few, election rigging, political decisions being made by a select group of officials behind closed doors, embrace the informal and unregulated exercise of political power, arbitrary deprivation of civil liberties, and little tolerance for meaningful opposition.
3. You believe in survival of the fittest, an every man for himself mentality that causes you to believe that poor people and sick people are weak and must be punished. You think rich people are strong because they are wealthy and that they should rule us. You also believe your race is superior to all others.
4. You use the media as a political propaganda machine to target a specific audience and to push your agenda on others. You make sure the media demonizes your opponents and takes your side on nearly every issue. You use your propaganda machine to play on the fears of others.
5. You are obsessed with security, and war. You feed this obsession by spending trillions of dollars building up a large military force and are willing to sacrifice domestic programs your people count on to keep your military huge. You start unnecessary and costly wars and you are paranoid of other nations.
6. You are driven to indoctrinate others into your way of thinking. So much so, that you try to re-write history, change the way school children are taught and you brainwash the ignorant. You use your propaganda machine as a tool to achieve this.
7. You fear and demonize intelligent people who have a higher education because they are the ones who can thwart your effort to brainwash people. You then attempt to prevent others from achieving a higher education because you want the people as ignorant as possible so you can convince them that your way is the right way.
8. You have a deep hatred and fear of communists and you instill your followers with hatred and fear of others by accusing your political opponents of being communists. This gives you an easy scapegoat to blame when things go wrong. Any person or policy you don’t like is branded as communism.
9. You disrespect women and think their place is in the home. You believe women are weak and cannot do things that men do. You believe that sexual harassment or assault is no big deal and that the only thing women are good for is cooking meals and having babies.
10. You strongly align yourself with corporations and you support corporate money and influence in government. You despise government regulations that keep corporations honest because you believe everything should be controlled by the free market and that corporations should be allowed to do whatever they please.
11. You are obsessed with Christianity. You seek to declare a Christian State and to impose religious laws on all the people across the country and the world. You believe other religions are inferior and that those who practice them should either be converted or destroyed.
12. You believe your race is superior and seek to disenfranchise or humiliate other races. You believe in legalized discrimination and fantasize about a return to times when the races were separate or when those of color were enslaved. You use code words in an attempt to hide your racism and you make laws that weaken the influence of those of color. Immigration and voting laws in particular.
13. You absolutely despise unions. To you and those like you, labor unions represent the empowerment of workers. Since you believe corporations can do whatever they want, you see organized labor as a threat because they fight for higher wages, health care, safety regulations, less hours, vacations, sick days, and holidays off. This obviously threatens the amount of money corporations can give to you and your cause so you brand unions as proponents of socialism and make laws that severely weaken them so that corporations can have a cheap, mindless labor force.
14. You are obsessed with crime and a major supporter of punishing those who commit crimes. So much so, that you don’t care about the concept of ‘innocent until proven guilty.’ You are proud of executing people and aren’t bothered if an innocent person is killed. You seek to make harsher laws, especially laws that target specific groups of people such as immigrants, women, and people of color. You also oppose Miranda rights and using humane interrogation tactics and you seek to undermine the independent judiciary.
15. You believe every election should go your way and to reach that goal, you push voting laws that disenfranchise those who traditionally vote for opponents such as people of color, the elderly, college students, and the poor. You even stoop to fixing elections in some cases and complain when your opponents challenge the vote counts.
16. You believe in rewarding your friends with positions when you gain power and you reward those who support you with government contracts and money, especially corporations. You also do your best to aid your supporters in any way you can, such as repealing undesirable pieces of legislation and regulations. You often have something to gain financially from this.
17. You create scapegoats to blame when problems arise. Whether it’s communists, liberals, minorities, homosexuals, the poor, or non-Christians, one thing is for certain. You and your propaganda tool will blame each and every one of those groups for bad things that happen even if you were the cause of the problems in the first place.
18. You take advantage of a national disaster such as an economic collapse or an attack to demonize your opponents and push your agenda. You use these events to strike fear into the population in an attempt to scare people into voting for you and your cause. It’s all about fear and scare tactics.
Sounds just like the Tea Party led Republican Party, doesn’t it?
 

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10 Tactics To Get A Republican To Agree With You

Author: Matthew Malone May 8, 2013 12:01 am

 

1. Talk about lowering taxes. It’s like a dog whistle for them. Even if you’re saying it in the middle of another sentence — “I don’t think trickle down economics actually — LOWER TAXES — works for anyone except the super-rich.” They’ll start salivating and forget the rest of what you said.
2. Praise Ronald Reagan, but make sure not to point out that he actually agreed with President Obama on lots of issues (like taxes, for example).
3. Say something sympathetic like “Rush Limbaugh is misunderstood.” They’ll launch into a speech before they notice you’re being sarcastic.
 4. Agree that it makes sense to spend millions of dollars fighting foreign enemies that we created thanks to the stupidity of decades of “military intervention.”

 5. Question something about Obama as a man.. But instead of going for the old, worn-out ones that everyone already knows — you know, the facts, like that he’s a Muslim terrorist from Kenya sent to kill us all and destroy the free world — try starting a rumor that he’s an alien zombie sent to eat our brains.
6. Say something that ends in the words “Tea Party.” For example: “Zebras are pretty frickin’ sweet. Tea Party.” You’ll score automatic cool points with them even if it makes no sense.
7. Call the Affordable Care Act “Obamacare” and then say something about socialism encroaching on our individual liberties.
8. Bring them dinner: poor people meat patties with a side of cash. (Before you crucify me for that one, read Jonathan Swift.)
9. Tell them that the war on drugs is a good idea, because obviously if you fight against something you don’t like, it’ll go away. Just like crime and alcohol and prostitution and terrorism!
10. Above all else, avoid using too much logic, or you might confuse them.

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‘You Know You’re a Liberal If…’ 33 Litmus Tests for Liberals

Author: Liberal Lamp Post May 8, 2013 12:04 am

1. You can discern the geographic distance between Kenya and Hawaii.

2. Bernie Sanders is one of your favorite senators.

3. You’re seriously considering dropping Verizon and switching to Credo Mobile.

4. You get much of your news from Rachel Maddow, Bill Maher and/or Jon Stewart.
5. You’re in favor of tax increases to support the common good even if you have to pay more yourself.

This, of course, is an ironic look at how Republicans see Liberals. www.peoplescube.com

6. You recognize that marijuana is physically less harmful than either cigarettes or alcohol.

7. You understand Citizens United is about 5 conservative justices who are united against citizens and who favor the corporate control of elections.

8. You get that Ron Paul is no better than the Tea Party.

9. You’ve pissed off a conservative in your life by railing against Fox News or Sarah Palin.

10. You have an “Obama ‘08” or “Obama 2012” logo riding on your bumper.

11. You are a fan of a dozen or more liberal pages on Facebook.

12. At some point, you wore dreads or went barefoot in public – or you know a few people who fit this description.

13. You read food labels.

14. You have gay friends and you respect them.

15. You probably graduated from college and your degree probably isn’t in marketing or business administration.

16. You post to Facebook and Twitter in support of liberal causes. A conservative friend may have un-friended you because of your posts.

17. You support the middle class.

18. You don’t think NPR is biased.

19. You think the Koch brothers are evil.

20. You’ve been following the dogged and brave uprising in Wisconsin.

21. You prefer to breathe non-cancer-causing air and drink non-toxic water.

22. You value a good standard of living for the public over corporate profits.

23. You believe people should be able to choose, in private, the family planning option that’s right for them.

24. You use hash tags like #p2, #p21, #topprog, and #taxtherich on Twitter.

25. You are serious about recycling.

26. You actually care that the ice caps are melting, coral reefs are dying and bio-diversity is diminishing.

27. You can find Iraq on a map while realizing that Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11.

28. You’ve been called a hippie, a bleeding heart or a tree hugger.

29. You believe education and health care should be subsidized for the common good.

30. GOP voter suppression is ticking you off enough to mobilize the vote within your circles.

31. You’ve given to a homeless person – ever.

32. You cringe when you hear Obama referred to as a “one-term president.”

33. You have gotten into a heated online debate with a Republican troll and even though you didn’t change their mind it still felt good to defeat their logic.

This is a work in progress! Add your own “You know you’re a liberal if” line in the comments below and we may include it in the sequel!

Visit The Liberal Lamp Post on the web:
The Liberal Lamp Post  – @LiberaLLamp on Twitter  – On Facebook
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Republican Jesus’ Ten Commandments

Author: Justin "Filthy Liberal Scum" Rosario May 20, 2013 12:01 am

 

And Lo, did Republican Jesus come down among the masses and holding his tablet PC did he give unto his disciples the NEW (and improved) Ten Commandments: “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Socialism, out of the house of Communism.”

1. You shall have no other gods before me, especially that terrorist monkey god, Mohammed.[i]
2. You shall not make for yourself any carved image; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them except for the Holy Benjamins. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting poverty of the fathers on the children of those (as in those people) who hate me, but showering material riches unto thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments. Also, you shall have guns. All you want.
3. You shall not take the name of your God, Ronald Reagan, in vain, for the Lord will hold him guiltless of treason and malfeasance.

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. If you are a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, six days you shall labor and do all your work, that should just about do it for the year[ii], but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor the stranger who is within your country illegally unless they are off the books then they shall work all seven days without respite. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, including dinosaur bones and rested the seventh day.
5. Honor your father and your mother by ensuring that they keep their Social Security even as you shall taketh it away from all others.
6. You shall not murder unless they are Muslim. Or gay. Or abortion doctors. Or government workers. Or black. Or whatever group is currently out of favor with mine chosen White (not white, White) People.
7. You shall not commit adultery and get caught during an election year.
8. You shall not steal unless it’s from the worker’s pensions.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. Just kidding, Fox News. Go forth and bear away.
10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s. Instead, you shall go forth and buy these things for yourself on credit and keep the “too big to fail” banks happy.
And thus did Republican Jesus™ lead his Chosen White people to that paradise on earth known as Somalia where they did not have to render unto Caesar anything and freedom showered from the heavens like Manna.
And then they all died of dysentery.
Come join me on Facebook, my home blog or just follow me on Twitter @FilthyLbrlScum
 

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45 Quotes To Use When Describing Conservatives And Republicans To Your Friends

Author: Stephen D. Foster Jr. August 3, 2013 8:10 pm

 

 

We all know what conservatives are like. Unfortunately,
they don’t know it themselves. Here’s our collection of
the 45 best quotes about Republicans. Photo from Daily Kos.

We all know what conservatives/Republicans are like. It’s just unfortunate that they don’t know it themselves. And if they do, that’s just sad. Many things have been said about conservatives, Republicans, and conservatism. Most of it, of course, is bad but true. Humorists, politicians, writers, journalists, comedians, and even US Presidents have left us with many quotes that describe conservatives and Republicans. Here’s our updated collection with the 45 best quotes about Republicans. If you’re a liberal, these are well worth book marking. If you’re a conservative, the truth hurts, doesn’t it?
1. “Today’s so-called ‘conservatives’ don’t even know what the word means. They think I’ve turned liberal because I believe a woman has a right to an abortion. That’s a decision that’s up to the pregnant woman, not up to the pope or some do-gooders or the Religious Right. It’s not a conservative issue at all.”
~Barry Goldwater
2. “I cannot help fearing that men may reach a point where they look on every new theory as a danger, every innovation as a toilsome trouble, every social advance as a first step toward revolution, and that they may absolutely refuse to move at all.”
~Alexis de Tocqueville


3. “Conservatism is the blind and fear-filled worship of dead radicals.”
~Mark Twain
4. “Conservatism discards Prescription, shrinks from Principle, disavows Progress; having rejected all respect for antiquity, it offers no redress for the present, and makes no preparation for the future.”
~Benjamin Disraeli
5. “Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.”
~George Carlin
6. “Republicans approve of the American farmer, but they are willing to help him go broke. They stand four-square for the American home–but not for housing. They are strong for labor–but they are stronger for restricting labor’s rights. They favor minimum wage–the smaller the minimum wage the better. They endorse educational opportunity for all–but they won’t spend money for teachers or for schools. They think modern medical care and hospitals are fine–for people who can afford them. They consider electrical power a great blessing–but only when the private power companies get their rake-off. They think American standard of living is a fine thing–so long as it doesn’t spread to all the people. And they admire of Government of the United States so much that they would like to buy it.”
~Harry S. Truman
7. “Republicans are men of narrow vision, who are afraid of the future.”
~Jimmy Carter
8. “Latins for Republicans – it’s like roaches for Raid.”
~John Leguizamo
9. “A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned to walk forward.”
~Franklin D. Roosevelt
10. “A conservative is a man who just sits and thinks, mostly sits.”
~Woodrow Wilson
11. “I like that about the Republicans; the evidence does not faze them, they are not bothered at all by the facts.”
~Bill Clinton
12. “A conservative is someone who makes no changes and consults his grandmother when in doubt.”
~Woodrow Wilson
13. “A Conservative Government is an organized hypocrisy.”
~Benjamin Disraeli
14. “A Conservative is a fellow who is standing athwart history yelling ‘Stop!’.”
~William F. Buckley, Jr.
15. “Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative.”
~John Stuart Mill
16. “Even as someone who’s labeled a conservative – I’m a Republican, I’m black, I’m heading up this organization in the Reagan administration – I can say that conservatives don’t exactly break their necks to tell blacks that they’re welcome.”
~Clarence Thomas
17. “In the United States I have always believed that there was a big difference between Conservative and stupid. Boy is it getting harder to prove that one by the minute.”
~Rick Mercer
18. “The modern conservative is engaged in one of man’s oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness.”
~John Kenneth Galbraith
19. “When a nation’s young men are conservative, its funeral bell is already rung.”
~Henry Ward Beecher
20. “I wonder how many times you have to be hit on the head before you find out who’s hitting you? It’s about time that the people of America realized what the Republicans have been doing to them.”
~Harry Truman
21. “In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.”
~H. L. Mencken
22. “A conservative is one who admires radicals centuries after they’re dead.”
~Leo Rosten
23. “Conservatives define themselves in terms of what they oppose.”
~George Will
24. “The Republicans are looking after the financial interests of the wealthiest individuals in this country.”
~Edward Kennedy
25. “Liberalism is trust of the people tempered by prudence. Conservatism is distrust of the people tempered by fear.”
~William E. Gladstone
26. “Republicans don’t like people who talk about depressions. You can hardly blame them for that. You remember the old saying: Don’t talk about rope in the house where somebody has been hanged.”
~Harry Truman
27. “You have to have been a Republican to know how good it is to be a Democrat.”
~Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis
28. “Brains, you know, are suspect in the Republican Party.”
~Walter J. Lippmann
29. “Herbert Hoover once ran on the slogan, “Two cars in every garage”. Apparently, the Republican candidate this year is running on the slogan, “Two families in every garage”.”
~Harry Truman
30. “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a Republican. But I repeat myself.”
~Harry Truman
31. “Democrats legislate; Republicans investigate.”
~Lyndon Johnson
32. “A gathering of Democrats is more sweaty, disorderly, offhand, and rowdy than a gathering of Republicans; it is also likely to be more cheerful, imaginative, tolerant of dissent, and skillful at the game of give-and-take. A gathering of Republicans is more respectable, sober, purposeful, and businesslike than a gathering of Democrats; it is also likely to be more self-righteous, pompous, cut-and-dried, and just plain boring.”
~Clinton Rossiter
33. “The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then get elected and prove it.”
~P.J. O’Rourke
34. “Republicans and nerds have so much in common — they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.”
~Stephen Colbert
35. “Democrats work to help people who need help. That other party, they work for people who don’t need help. That’s all there is to it.”
~Harry S. Truman
36. “The Republicans believe in the minimum wage — the more the minimum, the better.”
~Harry Truman
37. “They (Republicans) blame the low income women for ruining the country because they are staying home with their children and not going out to work. They (Republicans) blame the middle income women for ruining the country because they go out to work and do not stay home to take care of their children.”
~Ann Richards
38. “The Republicans are looking after the financial interests of the wealthiest individuals in this country.”
~Edward Kennedy
39. “I wonder if it’s possible to be a Republican and a Christian at the same time.”
~Hillary Clinton
40. “Mr. Nixon has, in the last seven days, called me an economic ignoramus, a Pied Piper, and all the rest. I’ve just confined myself to calling him a Republican. But he says that is getting low.”
~John F. Kennedy
41. “Let me warn you and let me warn the Nation against the smooth evasion which says, “Of course we believe all these things; we believe in social security; we believe in work for the unemployed; we believe in saving homes. Cross our hearts and hope to die, we believe in all these things; but we do not like the way the present Administration is doing them. Just turn them over to us. We will do all of them- we will do more of them we will do them better; and, most important of all, the doing of them will not cost anybody anything.”
But, my friends, these evaders are banking too heavily on the shortness of our memories. No one will forget that they had their golden opportunity—twelve long years of it.
Remember, too, that the first essential of doing a job well is to want to see the job done. Make no mistake about this: the Republican leadership today is not against the way we have done the job. The Republican leadership is against the job’s being done.”
~Franklin Roosevelt
42. “It’s been the same story ever since I can remember, ever since Wilson – the Republicans don’t do a thing for the little man.”
~John Updike
43. “Must be nice to be a Republican senator sometimes, because you get the fun of breaking sh*t and the joy of complaining the sh*t you just broke doesn’t work.”
~Jon Stewart
44. “Republicans say that sex is bad, because with them it always is. It is!…I’m sorry, but they’re just doughy, asexual, wonky, white people, and if you had to have sex with them it would be over in an excruciating three minutes. It’s just, — and from the headlines of the past year I gather the only sex they’re really good at, is gay sex. Really.”
~Bill Maher
45. “It is Liberalism, whether people like it or not, that has animated all the years of my life. What on Earth did conservatism ever accomplish for our country?”
~Charles Kuralt
The typical conservative is one who opposes all progress. They are paranoid, enjoy using fear to control others, and in most cases have no clue what they are talking about. They hate facts, hate government, and do not believe in contributing to society. Conservatives cling to the failed policies and traditions of the past and are willing to use the threat of violence at times to return to them. Many of these quotes were meant to be funny, but it turns out the humorous quotes were quite accurate. The rest of the quotes were just bluntly truthful. In the spirit of this list, however, I’d like to add a quote of my own that describes today’s conservatives to a tee.
Conservatives remind me of Yosemite Sam, Wile E. Coyote, and Elmer Fudd. They bring the guns, the stupidity, and of course, the failure.
Sorry conservatives, it had to be said.

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The Great Fire Alarm Crisis of 2013

The Great Fire Alarm Crisis of 2013

Published on November 14, 2013 by Balmuff in Miniland Report

 

The biggest and most divisive issue facing MiniLand right now is the Great Fire Alarm crisis of 2013. It may just tear our small country apart.
First, let’s begin with some background. As in any country, fires are a problem. They can strike at any the time, and you never know when they will hit. They can hit young and old alike, and they can affect anyone regardless of race, class, or income level.
Many years ago, Mr. Mussberger created Fire Warning, Inc,  a company that makes and sells fire alarms. The idea behind the fire alarm is that when a fire is just starting, the alarm will go off and warn you. This will allow you to put the fire out yourself, before it does much damage.
Without a fire alarm, it is likely that you will not notice the fire until it is much too late. Your house will be burned to the ground, the Fire Company will have to drive their Fire Truck to your house, and put out the fire and help to clean up some of the mess.
The main selling point of the fire alarm is that it will save you money: by warning you so that you can put out the fire early, it will cost you much less money than you would have had to spend if your entire house burned down.
All of this seems fairly sensible. However, over time there began to be whispers that Mr. Mussberger was running his Fire Warning, Inc., company in a less-than-respectable way.
For example, he offered a number of inexpensive “low-end” fire alarms that turned out to be nothing more than cardboard boxes. A number of families paid for these “low-end” fire alarms, thinking that they would be safe, only to have their houses burn down without warning.
“Your fire alarm did not warn me about the fire!” Mr. Sanguine wrote in a complaint letter to Fire Warning, Inc. In return, Mr. Sanguine received a letter explaining that the specific model of fire alarm that he had purchased did not include the “warn about fires” feature, and therefore it operated exactly as planned.
Of course, this simply means that Mr. Sanguine was out the cost of the fire alarm, as well as being stuck with paying for a new house after his old house was burned down.
Moreover, the 10 households who live in poverty in MiniLand are not able to afford fire alarms at all. This means that they suffer the most when a fire hits, because without any warning the fire is able to do a lot of damage. The Fire Truck always has to come to put out the fire, before it spreads to other houses. However, these 10 families can’t afford to pay for that service, either.  As a result, the Fire Company has to increase their fees for their services to cover this cost, and stopping fires becomes more expensive for everybody.
It was clearly getting out of control.
So, to put an end to all of this trouble, our black president, Golbasto Momarem Evlame Gurdilo Shefin Mully Ully Gue, decided to make a law that says that everyone must have a functioning fire alarm, and that fire alarms must meet certain minimum standards (for example: they must warn people about fires), and if a family can’t afford a fire alarm then the cost will be offset by tax breaks.
The idea was that by making sure that even poor people had fire alarms, big fires would be prevented, and the cost and damage of fires would go down for everyone.
As I’m sure you can imagine, people were outraged.
“Why should I have to buy a fire alarm if I don’t think there will be a fire in my house?” said Ms. Lackadackatonnywoo, who lives in the middle of a small stream.
“What if I really like my cheap cardboard fire alarm that doesn’t warn me about fires, and I don’t want to replace it with a fire alarm that meets minimum standards?” asked Mr. Yu, who is a father of 2 children and believes that Jesus was reincarnated as a bumble bee in 1793.
It truly is a political dilemma. After all, these people do vote…..
What in the world should black president Golbasto Momarem Evlame Gurdilo Shefin Mully Ully Gue do next?

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GOP Congressman, Confused By Satirical Article, Goes After MSNBC Host Chris Hayes

The Huffington Post  |  By Farah Mohamed Posted: 11/13/2013 2:33 pm EST  |  Updated: 11/13/2013 4:24 pm EST  

Rep. Tom Latham, R-Iowa, bashes MSNBC host for anti-veteran comments weeks after voting to cut food aid to vets. (Photo By Tom Williams/Roll Call)

Rep. Tom Latham (R-Iowa) castigated MSNBC host Chris Hayes this week, calling him "America's village idiot" in a Facebook post. Latham, however, ended up being the one looking uninformed, when he found out that he based his criticism of Hayes on what turned out to be a satirical article.
On Monday, Veterans Day, the Daily Currant published an article claiming that Hayes was personally disgusted with the holiday.
"I don't know about you, but Veterans Day makes me sick," the article in the satirical publication quoted Hayes as saying. "It's just such a jingoistic, macho display of violence and power. I saw a parade while biking to work this morning and I literally felt like vomiting."
Latham, in turn, was disgusted by Hayes, going after him on both Facebook and Twitter.
In a tweet that was removed, Lantham wrote: "Disgust from MSNBC host for the very men and women who fought for his right to state that 'soldiers aren't heroes.'"
Politwoops, a project of the Sunlight Foundation that captures tweets deleted by politicians, noted that Latham deleted the tweet 21 seconds after it went up.
Progress Iowa took a screenshot of Latham's Facebook post, before it was removed:

Latham later apologized to Hayes via Twitter after realizing the comments were satirical.

When satire attacks! My apologies to @msnbc host Chris Hayes.
— Tom Latham (@TomLatham) November 12, 2013

In 2012, Hayes came under attack from conservatives for saying on his show that he was "uncomfortable" with the term hero because "it seems to me that it is so rhetorically proximate to justifications for more war." He later apologized, saying in a statement to the Daily News, "As many have rightly pointed out, it’s very easy for me, a TV host, to opine about people who fight our wars, having never dodged a bullet or guarded a post or walked a mile in their boots."
Latham's attack on Hayes comes weeks after he and other GOP members voted for food stamp cuts that would kick 170,000 veterans out of the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program.

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The House Republicans Present: 5 Ways To Get By With Less Food

The House GOP’s 5 Ways To Get By With Less Food

  

#5. Exteme Makeover — Starvation Style

C’mon, so your cupboards will be a little bit more bare this winter. So your stomach might growl incessantly. Just think of all that weight you’re going to lose! Don’t think of this as Congress making a draconian cut to a benefit you need to survive while they eat, drink and get medical attention from the same taxpayers they claim they’re defending by starving you! Think of this as a government-sponsored Extreme Make Over! You’re going to look trim and svelte, or at the very least emaciated and weak. You’re welcome!
#4. Share Your Food With Your Pets!

Maybe instead of worrying about how to pay for your food and your dog’s food, just pool resources! After all, we Republicans have long-held the belief that Granny and Gramps could do jus fine with a little less Social Security and a lot more Meow Mix. So why not get started now, while you’re still young? We don’t plan to have Social Security for you lot anyway, so the sooner you get used to the subtle dance that puppy chow does on your taste buds the better.
#3. Eat Your Pets!
So we know that as we further choke the life out of the middle class on our sycophantic crusade to rob our government of all its ability to help you that it may become impossible for you to even share your food with Fido. So you’re going to have to eat Fido. Sure, you could look at it negatively — like you’re eating a member of your own family — or you can be a RUGGED INDIVIDUALIST and kill your dog and eat it. Your choice, Commie.
#2. Do You Really Need TWO Kidneys?
Whenever we go out to our “official State dinners” (thanks for picking up the check by the way!), we see things like beef kidneys on the menu. Why not eat one of your own kidneys? Think about it! It’s right there in your own body, and all you need are some common, household surgical tools, a little gumption, a skillet and some butter and bam! You have yourself a lovely kidney dinner. Granted, you can’t really have this meal more than once, but you’ll never forget it.
#1. Honestly? Who Gives a Fuck? Pass the Gravy!
We got ours. Now go get yours.
What’s that? You don’t think it’s fair? You think it’s totally bogus hypocrisy that we’d vote out measures to feed the truly needy over some obsession with a clearly small minority of people who abuse the system while we dine out on your dollar? You think it’s a sham that we’d hurt real people while protecting the 100 billion dollars in corporate welfare we give out every year?
Then you should try to vote us out. But our old friends Gerry and Mander think you’ve got a long, uphill climb, Takers!

 James Schlarmann James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a left-leaning satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.

James Schlarmann James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a left-leaning satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions. - See more at: http://www.politicalgarbagechute.com/the-house-republicans-present-5-ways-to-get-by-with-less-food/#sthash.KqNBR4e6.rNfqwCOd.dpuf

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